Vampires, Schmampires
by Mlle. Madeline
Summary: “Okay, Munroe, you tell me what’s so great about Edward Cullen, and I’ll show you I’m a hundred times cooler.” Chad sets out to prove that vampires have nothing on him. T only because Tawni says "sexy."


Vampires, Schmampires.

**A/N: A little Twilight tribute. And I went to the midnight premiere of **_**New Moon**_**, which is probably not smart, seeing as I have an 8 o'clock class in a few hours, but c'mon. Gorgeous vampires **_**and **_**werewolves? I think it's worth being tired in Anthropology.  
Disclaimer: I think that by now you know that I own nothing.**

Chad Dylan Cooper was walking down the hallway, minding his own business, when he heard girly squealing coming from _So Random!_'s Prop House.

The problem wasn't the screaming; he was used to _that_, naturally. It came with the territory of being the heartthrob of television's number one tween drama _Mackenzie Falls_. And let's face it, it'd be a lie to say he didn't love it.

The problem here was that _clearly _whoever was screaming wasn't screaming for _him_. This was an issue. So Chad decided to investigate.

Tucking his hands into his pockets, Chad wandered into the Prop House like he couldn't care less what was going on.

Sonny and Tawni sat on the couch in front of the television, both of them leaning forward as though they could get closer to being _in _whatever they were watching.

"Hey Chad," Sonny acknowledged him out of the corner of her eye. Tawni ignored him completely and instead let out another high-pitched squeal, and she and Sonny erupted into giggles.

"Hey, you know, I need my eardrums," Chad quipped, sticking a finger in one ear and wincing as he crossed behind the couch to see what they were freaking out about.

Her eyes still trained on the tv, Sonny waved him quiet.

Chad just needed one glance at the tv screen to realize what they were watching. Some dude was standing in a beam of light in the middle of a gross marshy forest, and he was—of course—glittering.

Twilight.

He should have known. "Ugh," he groaned loudly, leaning above Sonny over the back of the couch.

Tawni heaved a grand sigh and hit the pause button on the remote. Sonny whipped around to look at him, her soft hair smacking Chad in the face as she did so. "What do you mean, 'ugh?'" she asked accusingly.

Chad shrugged and gestured toward the screen. "What do you _see _in that guy, anyway?" he asked with a sneer. "He's a self-loathing vampire creeper."

Tawni looked at him like he had three heads. "Are you _kidding_?" she asked incredulously.

Sonny was giving him the same face. "He's sweet, loyal, and devoted, and smart, and _unbelievably _gorgeous," she added reverently. "He's a vampire Adonis."

"Uh, yeah, emphasis on the _vampire_," Chad noted. "As in, he would eat you."

"That's what makes him so _sexy_," Tawni said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "The danger. The forbiddenness. The gorgeousness."

"Vampires, schmampires," Chad scoffed. "Some _vampire_'s got nothing on me."

Tawni was bored of this, and she started the movie again, immediately enthralled.

Sonny laughed derisively. "Chad, you couldn't come close to Edward if you tried."

Chad shook his head at her naïveté and came around the couch to sit next to her. "Okay, Munroe, you tell me what's so great about Edward Cullen, and I'll show you I'm a hundred times cooler."

"Fine," Sonny said with the air of one agreeing to a bet impossible to lose. "He's a vampire."

"Doesn't count," Chad countered. "Not real."

Sonny shrugged. "He's unbelievably gorgeous."

Chad laughed and made a check mark in the air. "Check."

"Debatable," Sonny shot back.

"No, no, it's definitely a check." Chad gave her his smirk and popped his collar. "Next."

Sonny rolled her eyes. "He adores Bella even though she's just a clumsy, indecisive human and he's a godlike immortal."

"Again, immortal doesn't count because it's _not real_. Godlike, however, check."

"You're impossible," Sonny said in disgust. "Oh, here's one—_Edward_ isn't full of himself." She shot Chad a pointed look.

Chad waved carelessly. "It doesn't count as conceited if it's _true_."

"He's romantic. He appreciates Bella and loves her more than himself." Sonny began rattling off qualities and ticking them off on her fingers. "He's understanding, and caring, and responsible, and impossibly smart, and talented, and different." She stopped and sighed adoringly, looking back at the television screen. "He's her hero."

"I'm romantic," Chad ticked the qualities off on his fingers in mockery of Sonny's action. "I appreciate Bella—she's hot. I _understand _that you're way too obsessed with this fictional character. I _care _that you're caught up in Fantasy Vampire Land. I'm _responsible _for showing you that I'm way cooler than this Cullen dude. I'm impossibly smart. Obviously I'm talented; you don't get to be the heartthrob of the number one tween drama for nothing. And different? Yeah, I'm different, as in, I'm way more awesome than anyone I know." He wiggled his checked-off fingers in Sonny's face. "Got it covered. Chad Dylan Cooper wins again."

Sonny curled her lip. "You forgot the hero part," she said acidly.

"What if I'm _not_ the hero?" Chad said nonchalantly, as if he'd come up with the line on his own. "What if I'm…" he leaned close to Sonny's ear. "…the _bad_ guy?"

Sonny jerked backwards and tried her best to look annoyed, but she couldn't help the blush that decided to creep over her cheeks. "Oh, shut up. Go away."

"I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore," Chad said with an air of irony, shooting her that trademark smirk of his. "You're like my own personal brand of heroin."

Sonny blushed harder, but tried valiantly to maintain her dignity. "Okay, look, Chad, you're not allowed to do that."

Chad grinned. "Oh, Sonny. I know you can't stay away." In a deeply dramatic voice, he continued, "Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that."

Abruptly, Sonny stood up and, grabbing Chad by the arm, yanked him off the couch, and dragged him out the door. "Out!" she commanded, pushing him into the hallway. "You're not going to ruin this movie for me. Go get a life!"

Chad laughed at that, but before he left he grabbed Sonny's wrist and pulled her into the hallway. Pressing his hands against the walls on either side of her, he trapped her. "But Sonny," he said, leaning dangerously close, "you _are _my life now."

Against her better judgment, Sonny's breath hitched in her throat. He was _really _close.

Chad leaned closer until mere centimeters separated their lips, and then suddenly he laughed and pulled away. "I think you stopped breathing for a second there," he smirked. He pushed off the wall and walked down the hallway backwards. "Another win for Chad Dylan Cooper," he added, cocky as ever. "Edward Cullen can eat it." Clicking his tongue at Sonny to accentuate his finger guns, he spun around and walked off, throwing a peace sign into the air. "Peace out, suckas!"

Sonny facepalmed, annoyed with herself. "Stupid lamb," she muttered under her breath, and then went back into the Prop House to finish watching the movie. Maybe she'd turn Team Jacob.

**A/n #2: Okay, dahlings. You've read; now please review! It'll make my sleep-deprived night worth it (:**


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